What were the chances, being with freinds at a crouded bar, late at night, for our meeting to happen? Moon, a nice Corean girl tells me that my seat has been taken as I was talking to Chris. I turn around, and there is Gülsemin. A red headed rose that makes Istanbul tulips look lame. I start telling her that she took my seat, but the sentence never ends... I thought I didn't want the seat without her on it. All kinds of childhood memories filled up my head : Sitting on a branch of a tree, the taste of the peaches in the garden, my mom's smile, the red cheeks of that girl on the beach at Pont Blandin whose name I will never know, the first ride on my brother's bicycle, the taste of the first kiss... I was speechless, yet I spoke endlessly...

   We shared meaningless thoughts. I spoke about the otomans, the almoravides, andalucia, and how a union between the turks and the moroccans could have overtaken the world. Needless to say, in all the simplicity of the talk, there was so much third degree metaphores. Oh God, how it feels nice when one can express his thoughts, and is understood with no need to explan! It feels so much better when the same conversation is taking place with a bombshell. I can't even start describing how it felt good that night talking to my rose. I was just a talk, but I felt that it was just the begining of something wonderful. We said goodbye, and I went on partying with my friends.

  (to be continued -- out of battery power on my tablet, and in my turbulent heart)

I do tend to fall in love more easily than many people, but I have come to be very carefull on my commitments. I continue to have strong feelings easily, but I need time to look deep inside and check my feelings to know whether I am really ready to get into a long term relationship. I would even say that many times, the laid back approach seemed to hurt me, as by the time I thought I should give the relationship a try, I had already constrained it to friendship...

Usually, when I feel strong attraction, I tend to retract, as if protecting myself. Probably my past failures have left uncured scars. 

Lately, however, I made an encounter that seems to be taking a different direction. I was with female friends, and had no reason to look around or start another conversation, yet, although the conversation was normal, I somehow enjoyed it tremendously more than I thought was warranted for. I almost forgot completely about my friends until they started to discretely tease me about it. It was late at night, and she had to wake up early, so we just said goodbye. Since then, I can't stop thinking about her. the following saturday night, I was with a group of friends at a concert. They were fun and interesting people, and included a few very attractive women as well, but I ended up spending most of the time by myself. I couldn't stop thinking that I would have loved her to be there with me. next day evening, I went on a long lonely walk, wandering, unable to go anywhere, unable to even bring myself to understand what was wrong with me.

She is beautiful, very attractive, intelligent, simple, level headed, and intellectually exciting. The ease with which she interracts and moves made me feel very close, very much at ease myself. For some reason, I think she must have felt similar.

I don't know if it is love at first sight, but it deffinitely feels like it...

Pulled the plug, and she passed away...

What was not clear in the deal

                      is the big hole in my heart.

If you are trying to reach me, just know that my mom passed away, and that I am not joinable for now.